looking back & moving forward

Wohoo we are on the homestretch to Christmas now that Halloween has past.   The Christmas season is my favourite!  We will honour our Veterans and military on Remembrance Day November 11th but then bring on the holiday tunes and decor.  Lots to look forward too but first I have had a few thoughts floating around that I wanted to get out.

Last week marked a year since losing our baby because of a tubal pregnancy, it was sad and the year has passed quickly yet slowly.  You simply move forward in faith, what else can one do?  The alternative of anger and bitterness is just too dark.  In October there is a day dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, I am grateful that people can talk about it or read about or have quiet moments and just remember.  I feel like this loss has changed me, it just has....in so many ways. 

I saw this this poster and yes, this thought comes.

I wonder what our family would have been like with another little person?  I wonder who they would have been?  How Stella would have been as a big sister?  The girls love babies, I bet they would have rocked it. 

We took this picture last Thanksgiving after church up in Fort McMurray, I didn't know it yet but I was pregnant. It is a special picture to me, a family of 5 for this small window in time here on earth.

Each month since has been filled with hope but never the result our hearts desire, we are not pregnant, we may never again and that is a reality I am working through. Our baby making may be ending in a sad way BUT oh we have had two BIG HAPPY endings.  Amelia and Stella are the lights of our lives, the joy they bring us can not be described! This past year has been a reminder that we do not control this aspect of our lives. Many people can plan the number of children, the months they hope to conceive or give birth but we can not.  We all have 'things' and fertility or infertility, frankly just not easily making babies is one of our 'things'.  So I have to choose to be thrilled for my friends as they announce pregnancies, because I truly am and I have to choose to smile as I explain and educate others on our situation when they ask. We have been married just over 13 years and all of those years but that first year we have been 'trying', that is 12 years filled with 12 months...and we have been given two miraculous little girls (so minus a few months) but the rest has been filled with longing.  Our girls rock and we have been very blessed indeed but still planning our family has been a process for me and for us, learning to leave it to our Heavenly Father.  My heart grows weary with our monthly disappointment and it may sound bizarre but I am actually looking forward to menopause hahaha!!!! 

So taking the moment to acknowledge and remember this part of our family story and then pressing on.  Even though we have two amazing miracles our heart still longs.  

~ Mrs. P