loss but part of our family story

I am a documenting lady and am sharing some personal stuff because it is now part of our family story. Others have had this loss, everyone deals differently but for me everything is etched in my mind and I want to record some of it for our family.  Some of it is sacred and in my journal, too tender for me to write here.

Last week started out with exciting news for our family, I was pregnant!  It is still shocking to us that we are able to conceive on our own.  In our twelve years of marriage, throughout our struggle with infertility, with each test I took I always started mentally listing my blessings to build up my mind and heart.  I did the same this time but it showed I was indeed pregnant, tears came and I said a prayer of gratitude. I didn't know it but that mindset of gratitude would be needed to carry me through what was to follow.

I have always kind of hoped that because we struggled for 6 years to get pregnant with Amelia we may dodge the bullet of miscarriage and pregnancy loss but alas we now are part of the 1/4.  

I KNOW that there is a plan for our family.

I KNOW that my sadness helps me appreciate the joy.

I KNOW that my burden is shared by friends, family and my Savior.

I KNOW that things will be ok.

I began having intense pain.  I needed to go to emerg and ended up having an ultrasound the following day.  This resulted in us finding out that I had an ectopic pregnancy (in my fallopian tube instead of the uterus) and it could not continue. We were told to immediately go back to the hospital.  It was heartbreaking! 

We had began to share our exciting news with some of our family and had wanted to share with our friends but instead we had to share sad news.  As we needed help and shared our loss, our burden was lifted by the kindness of our family and friends.  In John 14:18,27 "I will not leave you comfortless. ...Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  The simplest acts and words meant so much, they touched our hearts. We truly felt loved.  I do not KNOW the purposes of God but we are choosing to let it strengthen our faith, our marriage and our family.  We will now truly have empathy for others who have suffered this loss. In this sadness there where things to be thankful for. My mom was able to be there when I came out of surgery, she drove down from Fort McMurray in the dark.  I wanted so badly to have her there. Our girls lives didn't skip a beat as they got to hang with their great-grandparents and then the Bird family.  So many little blessings.  It was crazy because we really had many tender mercies where my nurses showed such tenderness and kindness.   Our emergency nurse Sharon stayed with me from the time I entered emergency until I was wheeled into the operating room, she even held my hand.....I am a softie, a hand holder and she didn't know that but she was the exact nurse I needed to bring me comfort.  My surgeon was a sweet grandpa who stroked my head and touched my arm as I got emotional following protocol in telling him my name and explaining back to him what would happen.  What good people, a tender mercy in a heartbreaking situation.  

It is a sad loss when the other way it goes ends so wonderful. I trust in God completely! I will understand it all someday. I choose to have faith instead of bitterness.  We are mourning this loss though.  From the moment that test says positive your lives changes, it is a loss.  Both Graham and I have shed many tears.  I use to have a #4 on my mantle, I had to take it down...it just doesn't quite represent our family anymore.

 

We are able to come home to our two precious ladies, Miss Amelia and Miss Stella.  We are beyond thankful for them and the joy they bring into our lives. We are sooooo lucky!!! I told Graham that I wouldn't think it was possible to cherish our girls anymore, have gratitude for the privilege it is to be a parent anymore then we already have BUT it is, we do.  We had seen again the fragility of life and the great blessing it is to be parents and have children.

As we left the hospital after what ended up being 3 of our hardest days EVER I asked Graham to take a picture of us walking out.  

Here is thing, we will continue to march on together hand in hand.

~ Mr & Mrs P